Relief...the skies have cleared partially, anyways!

Wow, it feels so great to come here with my heart feeling so light. It's been wonderful, no more doubts in my mind. I know this is for real, and I'm not scared anymore. I'm ready! I look at it now as a challenge, one I'm willing to accept! I also look at it as a chance, one I'm more than willing to take, but I see it going solely to only a beautiful place, now. Things, have been much more challenging consider time restraints, but things have gotten so much better. Time is more precious, and that is (subconsciously, perhaps) recognized! I know things in the next 5 months are gonna be even more challenging, but so worth it. Honestly, my life couldn't be more up in the air then ever before in the career/education department. But, I'm at peace I know God will provide and that's all I care at this point.

I love my family. I don't think I've ever been more at peace and closer to any of them, and I love it. It's really, all I could ask for and more. And this time I honestly mean it, no more hurt, no more pain. FREE! AND VERY BLESSED. MERRY CHRISTMAS, LOVE, GOD. yeah, really, he's the only one that could have ever orchestrated this.

I'm blessed. That's all there is to it.

The Day of my 19th year of celebrating my existance has come and gone.

I managed to rush through the day flashing a smile. Inside, I veiled the struggle that's been weighing on my heart strings. I talked a lot. Not mentioning the great struggle once. Not about my nervousness about our marriage. Nor did we discuss the struggle of my existance, as a future wife, employee, student, daughter, sister, jobless stna. I can't get motivated with school. I'm exhausted. I'm worn out. I'm tired. I'm hurting. Struggling.

Beauty in a fathers tears

I've been contemplating an entry about this for the past few days. The other day my father and I sat in our living room discussing wedding plans. I played some songs I want to be included in my wedding. He sat there with his bible, ready for some personal time with God. Reaching the end of our conversation I glanced over and saw a stream of tears flowing down his face. I broke inside, but yet was numb. To me those tears were beautiful, long awaited, and yet painful and uncomfortable. I badly wanted to hug, kiss, and tell him I loved him. But, I held back, afraid to become reconnected with feelings of my earlier years. My mind has pondered the emotions behind those tears since the minute I saw them. Were they sad? Proud? Regrettful? I think this was the first time I was able to honestly see my fathers emotional acknowlegement of me, of the delicateness of my soul. I've longed for this day all my life. But it was sweetly painful.