Last quarter I went into the quarter scared to death and then decided I would have to "Woman Up" and make the best of the situation. I got put into a class I didn't want at all. My clinical instructor was phenomenal she gave me the confidence I needed and helped prepare us both clinically and in lecture. This quarter I knew would be tough and challenging but I had gotten into a class with a great instructor. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not exactly full of confidence. Going into clinicals I was a wreck. I began to question God and think to myself this just isn't for me...Thought I had better start choosing a something else to do with my life. I felt paralyzed between my purpose and reality. Two that I had thought were finally meshing in my life.
Thats when I took my first test. Failed by 4 questions- 8% points. I thought ok...God you are confirming my doubts...fine I GET IT! NOW WHAT? Last quarter when I was freaking myself out before the quarter started my dear husband said- "Have faith." I just thought to myself- whatever you don't have lives resting in your hands. I was discouraged to say the least. I had woke up the morning of my test nauseated and jittery. I'm not normally the "jitter bug" test taker, that day I was. I felt doomed from the moment I awoke. When I got to the test every question that i had narrowed the answer down to two I picked the wrong choice. I picked myself up (a few tears later...) and decided I just needed to "study more". I was still questioning my calling. Struggling to find some type of answer- I just happened to look up hope in my bible. This is what I found "Don't be afraid. Have faith."
WOW? What? I'm not supposed to worry that this is all really going to be ok?
Then I just kept thinking "With God ALL things are possible." "I CAN ALL THINGS through CHRIST who gives ME STRENGTH!".
My daily prayers (nightly and in the morning) began to include phrases like these...
"Just give me the wisdom to know what the important things I need to pick up on in lecture are"
"Help me to be a blessing each person I come in contact with."
"Help me to do no harm"
"Guide my every word, action, step, and my hand in all I do, help me to think clearly, and guide my thoughts"
"Help me to make a difference in my patients’ life"
"Give me a "manageable" patient and guide Cindy as she leads us"
"Show me that this is where you REALLY do want me."
I started praying this for my classmates as well.
I prepared more for the next test before. I am always the day before studier though. Always have been- and as hard as I try..Probably always will be. At 7:30 am on the day before test 2 I get a call from my mom. I knew something was wrong- neither of us are morning people. Grandpa was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. He had a bleed and had lost a good deal of blood. They were giving him transfusions. I knew if they had taken Grandpa by ambulance something WAS wrong. I prayed for him and told mom that I would be up later in the afternoon to be with the family. My study partner, Mel and I studied on the phone for two hours. It just so happens one of our testable topics was blood transfusions. After that the studying on my own was useless...my mind was in Greenville at Wayne with my beloved Grandpa. So off I went. My grandpa is the only man I've ever heard of cracking jokes in the ICU. All of us tried to hold our composures and not "worry". That night we went to get my grandma something to eat and catch a bite ourselves...I couldn't even get 1/2 a chicken sandwich down, and I hadn't eaten much all day. All of us just started to express our true concern. For reason's I won’t mention here the hospital caused me much concern as well as the fact that he was in the ICU and no one that we asked could give us any answers. I thought great, there's no way my mind is going to be "IN" this test. I stayed with my parents. Studied another hour or so and got up early the next morning and headed to school to take the test. I had been praying "God just give me peace, help me to choose the 1 right answer, and give me the confidence to not change them." When I got to school I was ready. I had that peace. I took the test and only missed 2-2 very silly ones at that. I left and went to the hospital. He had test ran, the problem was identified, and our fears were relieved. An ulcer! Pastor Rob was there to take our minds off things and keep us laughing just like Grandpa would do! I left that day reassured and feeling soo blessed. I found this quote and found it fitting of us. "Our family is a circle of Strength & Love with every birth and union it grows, every crisis faced together makes the circle go stronger."
Tues, Wed, and Thursday came and I was geared up for clinicals. Things started clicking! I gave my first IM shot (big needle!) and had a great guy! He and his wife were so funny and great sports! I shared the experience with a good friend! This skill was one that stressed me out and I didn't have much time to prepare myself. It went kinda like this Cindy "Bethanie do you want to give an IM?" Me pretending to keep charting and in shock, "uhhhhh ummmm not reeeeaalll..." Cindy, "Yes, you do, come on!" Ok- off to the med room I went...I was so excited to have had that first time over with...
All of my patients from that week out complimented me in some way. Two told me they didn't even know I had given them their insulin injections. "You must be good" "Students are better because they are learning and pay more attention- it's not just a job" "You are going to be a good nurse I can tell" "I never mind a smiling face like yours-it's nice to see a smile" Some of these patients unfortunately had spent MANY days in the hospital. (Just some examples. I'm here to tell you I didn't earn a single one. Without prayer- those wouldn't have happened.) They were EXACTLY what I needed-when I needed!
One of the nurses on the floor I just really enjoyed- saw me on the first few days and told me it was going to be ok...had so many nice things to say and always smiled and was so encouraging as well. (She is a "Nurse" version of Whoopi Goldberg!!)
Things just really fell into place that week...I felt like I was really going in the right direction and where God wanted me. On that Thursday I was driving home from "work" (a whole other post coming soon!) enjoying the fall leaves with the sun shining through just right. And the song above came on. The tears just flowed (and have each time I watch this video.) It summed up so well the lesson I felt God had taught me. I posted it on Facebook, and this is what my instructor responded with;"These are the words I would say too! Pray moves mountains and I pray for you everyday:-)"
I could not have felt more confirmation in that moment.
Yesterday was my last day at clinicals this quarter. It was bittersweet. I have grown to love some of the nurses on staff there, working with Cindy. Walking in and out with Melanie. And most of all- seeing the work God was doing in the lives of my patients. Seeing the confirmation a little each day that he WILL pull me through this program. That I AM CALLED to be a NURSE. It was a powerful and challenging quarter. One I will never forget- patients I'll never forget. This morning was the celebration of the 40th anniversary of the nursing program for our college. I couldn't feel more honored, blessed, and privileged to be a part of our colleges program. The former grads encouraged us to go out into the career world with the confidence we are given in throughout the program- and not to doubt our skills and knowledge. We've been given a great gift! We have great instructors, great facilities for clinical practice, good fellow students, and an amazing passing rate for the NCLEX! Just another confirmation that I'm following the right path!
