My Current Obsession

Tired of looking at house stuff, dog stuff, school stuff...so I looked at clothes...and...

Lusted! (Bad I know...but seriously? Check. These. Out.)

New York and Co is my clothing LOVE!!

Stream of thought

* I couldn't have been more humbled seeing a nice man that works in a cafe at school wearing shorts revealing this prosthetic leg. From the bits and pieces he's shared with me, his customer, this guys have a great testimony to share- I'm sure. I had no idea that he also had this personal battle to deal with...even in the most stressful times he always had a nice thing to say to his customers- a polite how are you? with the face that showed he actually cared to hear an answer. To think all that man does on a daily basis work-wise and academically on a prosthetic leg- is humbling and simultaneously hoping and joy bringing.

* Dozer's kisses melt my heart

* I'm very blessed to be right where I am in life with the man that vowed to venture through life with me. There's really no place else I would choose to be at this point in my life. There's so much peace in that.

* What a confidence boost it was to hear that one of the most bold and difficult decisions I've had to make yet in my student nurse career was the correct choice to make despite the belittling conflict with my instructor over the matter.

* When I'm driving along and the exact songs play at the exact moment I need them- my mind pauses, my heart calms, and instantaneously I have the personal and most intimate worship experience EVER. No church bound worship could ever compare to. It's a beautiful thing.

* Speaking of music -I learned to cool things the past two intro days to neuro that I would like to share. First, ever wondered why you so emotionally connect to music? It's because the part of your brain that hears and interprets sound is very close to the part that controls your emotions! Cool huh? Oh, and ladies, your husbands/male sons/ significant others may have a reason to multi task with a slightly less success rate then you-> they don't have the same amount of sensory (hearing /feeling/seeing) and motor (movement) nerve fiber connections like we, as females, do!

His Love is Undeniable

I would like to share a complete God moment in my life this week. Tuesday night I had a migraine that was throbbing, light sensitive, and nauseating. I tried to sleep and medicate it - neither worked. Yesterday at 2 pm I left form my clinical that started at 3 at a local hospital. On the drive there I was really struggling between calling my instructor, pulling over and calling someone to come get me, and just keep going. I felt awful- sick to my stomach, slightly dizzy and in a little pain. Then I heard this song.

Lyrics from www.icelebz.com.

Verse 1
Surely children weren't made for the streets
And Fathers were not made to leave
Surely this isn't how it should be
Let Your kingdom come

Verse 2
Surely nations were not made for war
Or the broken and due to be ignored
Surely this couldn't be what You saw
Let Your kingdom come
Here in my heart

Chorus
And I will live to carry your compassion
To love a world that's broken
To be your hands and feet
And I will give with the life that I've been given
And go beyond religion to see the world be changed
By the power of Your Name
The power of Your Name

Verse 3
Surely life wasn't made to regret
And the lost were not made to forget
Surely faith without action is dead
Let Your Kingdom come
Lord break this heart

Bridge
Jesus Your Name
Is a shelter for the hurting
Your Name
Is a refuge the weak
Only Your Name
Can take the undeserving
Jesus Your Name
Holds everything I need

God tugged my heart. Tears started streaming. I knew I had a purpose for being there that day. I began to pray he would take away the pain and nausea. Its started to subside. I pulled in the parking lot began my trek to the area where we were meeting. The pain, nausea, and discomfort? GONE. COMPLETELY. I had the opportunity to see a c-section - to see the beautiful beginning of a life that God had perfectly created. I had the opportunity to care for a young new mother and father. All of this took place at a hospital where the employees have a prayer board in their break room to lift each other up. Is that AWESOME or what? You know what? The story does not stop there...this song and feeling of being loved deeply by my creator has not stopped there...

Today I looked up this song on Youtube. This first one has moved me to more deeply consider the trip to Guatemala with my nursing school and the second...Listen to the part where he talks about how he included his son in the song...and think about what unit I told you I was working in...






God's love for us is so great that it is almost imaginable. Just when I felt alone and disappointed at the possibility of missing a clinical experience God turned it into an opportunity to minister to my heart- to remind me of my purpose- to encourage me to love compassionately- just as he was showing me that he loved me.

Getting a little too Personal: That time of the year is coming around again.

I strongly believe that there are things that happen in our lives that we are called to never become numb to and just when I found myself heading down the path of this...down the path of not remembering daily, then weekly, then monthly. There is a reason we endured certain seasons of our lives. We can change those negative outcomes into positives for others hurting around us.

It took years of my life to begin to forget...to get to the point that I didn't have to battle away the thoughts of how much differently life may have been if things went differently (7 years ago on Feb 10th). And then I heard it. I heard this song that so bittersweetly connected to my heart exactly the emotions and thoughts I just needed to experience at that moment.

Keith Urban - Stupid Boy
Watch Music Videos at www.yallwire.com

Stupid Boy lyrics By Keith Urban

Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind
she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy
Oh

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it push it around
I guess you build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down

she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy

Oh, you always had to be right but now you've lost
The only thing that ever made you feel alive
Yeah, yeah

Well, she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
Yes, ya did
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy, oh, I'm the same old
Same old stupid boy

It took awhile for her to figure out she could run
But when she did, she was long gone
Long gone, long gone
Ah, she's gone

Nobody's ever gonna love me like she loved me
And she loved me, she loved me
God please, just let her know
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Baby, yeah, I'm down on my knees
She's never coming back to me

I just needed to feel about that portion of my life I so often like to suppress and pretend never really happened to me at a very young, innocent, and naive 14. I began to process things. To process through all the pieces of that "bittersweet" recipe of that situation. I learned so much. ( at times i know it was too much.) I hurt so much.

Would I go back and erase everything to not go through it again? I'm honestly not sure that I would. Some people may be angry at me for writing this, but that's ok- because I am the one that went through the fire of this situation mostly alone. And looking back - it may have just been worth it. Does that make it easy? No. Less scary? No. Less tragic? No. It's certainly taken me through the grieving process and back many times. Does it affect my relationships today? Absolutely- there are people (in relatively the same position) that I continue to subconsciously push away because of the way that things had to end. I am a person that forgives the hardest to forgive and has trouble getting over petty things- I hate this about myself. I need closure. Sometimes people and life situations don't allow for closure. I don't deal with that well.... especially when I (being the victim in this particular situation) sought it whole heartedly.

I wrote letters. I got no response. My "safe" area was invaded. I was friendly - not hateful (as expected) and I got daggers shot at me from across that room. I honestly forgave and wished them well while not knowing if things for me would ever be. I was determined that I would turn that into a positive in some way in my life....

I'm still waiting for God to reveal that to me and to continue to heal the guarded areas of my heart as a result of this. To help me be less emotional (yet not numb) to the situation. With each year comes progress...and that's the way I've began to see it another year that I have been blessed not to be plagued by the mental illnesses that often result from these situations. I am reminded of this blessing daily this quarter at my Pysch clinicals. Another year continuing on the path of my dreams. Another year overcoming my unchosen set backs in life. That I'm going to celebrate. Ironically this is the same day I begin "cardio" nursing...while I'll be busy nursing physical hearts...may I be reminded of just how my emotional and spiritual heart has been transformed and healed since 2.10.03.