It took years of my life to begin to forget...to get to the point that I didn't have to battle away the thoughts of how much differently life may have been if things went differently (7 years ago on Feb 10th). And then I heard it. I heard this song that so bittersweetly connected to my heart exactly the emotions and thoughts I just needed to experience at that moment.
Stupid Boy lyrics By Keith Urban
Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different
Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind
she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy
Oh
So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it push it around
I guess you build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down
she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy
Oh, you always had to be right but now you've lost
The only thing that ever made you feel alive
Yeah, yeah
Well, she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
Yes, ya did
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy, oh, I'm the same old
Same old stupid boy
It took awhile for her to figure out she could run
But when she did, she was long gone
Long gone, long gone
Ah, she's gone
Nobody's ever gonna love me like she loved me
And she loved me, she loved me
God please, just let her know
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Baby, yeah, I'm down on my knees
She's never coming back to me
Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different
Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind
she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy
Oh
So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it push it around
I guess you build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down
she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy
Oh, you always had to be right but now you've lost
The only thing that ever made you feel alive
Yeah, yeah
Well, she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
Yes, ya did
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy, oh, I'm the same old
Same old stupid boy
It took awhile for her to figure out she could run
But when she did, she was long gone
Long gone, long gone
Ah, she's gone
Nobody's ever gonna love me like she loved me
And she loved me, she loved me
God please, just let her know
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Baby, yeah, I'm down on my knees
She's never coming back to me
I just needed to feel about that portion of my life I so often like to suppress and pretend never really happened to me at a very young, innocent, and naive 14. I began to process things. To process through all the pieces of that "bittersweet" recipe of that situation. I learned so much. ( at times i know it was too much.) I hurt so much.
Would I go back and erase everything to not go through it again? I'm honestly not sure that I would. Some people may be angry at me for writing this, but that's ok- because I am the one that went through the fire of this situation mostly alone. And looking back - it may have just been worth it. Does that make it easy? No. Less scary? No. Less tragic? No. It's certainly taken me through the grieving process and back many times. Does it affect my relationships today? Absolutely- there are people (in relatively the same position) that I continue to subconsciously push away because of the way that things had to end. I am a person that forgives the hardest to forgive and has trouble getting over petty things- I hate this about myself. I need closure. Sometimes people and life situations don't allow for closure. I don't deal with that well.... especially when I (being the victim in this particular situation) sought it whole heartedly.
I wrote letters. I got no response. My "safe" area was invaded. I was friendly - not hateful (as expected) and I got daggers shot at me from across that room. I honestly forgave and wished them well while not knowing if things for me would ever be. I was determined that I would turn that into a positive in some way in my life....
I'm still waiting for God to reveal that to me and to continue to heal the guarded areas of my heart as a result of this. To help me be less emotional (yet not numb) to the situation. With each year comes progress...and that's the way I've began to see it another year that I have been blessed not to be plagued by the mental illnesses that often result from these situations. I am reminded of this blessing daily this quarter at my Pysch clinicals. Another year continuing on the path of my dreams. Another year overcoming my unchosen set backs in life. That I'm going to celebrate. Ironically this is the same day I begin "cardio" nursing...while I'll be busy nursing physical hearts...may I be reminded of just how my emotional and spiritual heart has been transformed and healed since 2.10.03.
