What am I doing??

I dont know what's going on with me. I'm scared. I'm hurting. I've haven't scared myself this bad for almost 5 years. I feel like they are against me, I've set out to please them all. And instead I've pleased none of them, and certainly not myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't even know what happiness is. I wish I had that person to turn to, that understands, and doesn't judge me. I feel so lied to. They make me feel like I'm not worth it. If I'd known what I do now I don't know if I would have done it all again. I'm struggling not to settle. But, everyone else's happeness comes before me, and it seems like no ones happy. I never knew it was too much to ask. Its about people being there to support us, to publically proclaim our love and promises for each other. It's not about just letting everyone have a party. Is it so bad to celebrate US for 1 day of our lives? Is that so bad?